Vodou meets Transylvania in New Spain

[grahambriggs]

From Bernal Diaz del Castillo, Governor of Guatemala, to his most Puissant majesty, King Philip II of Spain in the Year of our Lord 1585.

Your majesty, the Lord has seen fit to grant me 92 summers upon this earth. It’s astounding. Time is fleeting. I was born in the year that Columbus sailed. I fought beside the great Cortes is his crusade to educate the foul Indians called Aztecs with their heathen cannibalistic devilry and worship of bizarre gods. With joy I saw us throw down their altars and replace them with the holy church where those who were redeemed could take mass and enjoy the body and blood of the great redeemer.

But ever and anon the foul Indians slip back into their heathen ways and have even adopted the practices of Vodou and worship of the undead from our African slaves. We burn it out with the wrath of the Lord. It was such practices that no doubt attracted the interest of those adventuring pirates the Transylvanian Convention West Indian Company. Yes, your majesty, I regret to inform that we have been beset by the hideous heresy to end all heresies.

Calvinism.

On hearing that the enemy had landed in error in the Yucatan, we hastened to meet them before their horse could clear the thick jungle. We came upon them where the thick growth of trees gives way to the plain by a crag that was so steep that only the local goats could climb it.

Quickly calling my lieutenants together I explained my plan.“It's just a jump to the left, And then a step to the right”. Some, fearing we were overmatched in horse, asked me to remind them of my prowess in earlier life. “With your hands on your hips, you bring your knees in tight” I counselled. And knowing the dangers of riding in such a climate in armour and wishing to bring back my youth, added “it's the pelvic thrust that really drives you insane. Let’s do the time warp again”

We set up with mixed natives and horse near the jungle to drive back the many enemy skirmishers there. The nature of the terrain and the oppressive heat made progress slow against the enemy skirmishers. Alvarado, commanding here, rode into the jungle and was beset by a fever yearning too for younger days, declaring “It's so dreamy, oh fantasy free me. So you can't see me, no not at all. In another dimension, with voyeuristic intention. Well-secluded, I see all. With a bit of a mind flip You're there in the time slip and nothing can ever be the same. You're spaced out on sensation, like you're under sedation. Let's do the Time Warp again!”

From which claptrap I determined that while he was slogging his way through the bad terrain he had licked the frogs again and was unlikely to assist me.

The rest of the army, mostly Indian bowmen and infantry in the European style but with a few horsemen sporting carbines and the occasional artillery piece resolved to form a horseshoe to concentrate fire between the crag and another steep hill and await the charge of the enemy horse and foot.

Fearing to meet us head on, the enemy horse took a jump to the left. So we took a step to the right to extend our flank out to the table edge. The natives could not hold the enemy horse and slowly gave way. In the centre the volume of our fire thinned the enemy ranks but we got too eager, and soon found our light horse bursting through our lines followed by enemy horse. I told our troops that I knew they were disrupted, “But listen closely, not for very much longer I've got to keep control”. Regardless the Indians ran, through the Vera Cruz militia, who were already struggling for competence with pike and arquebus. There’ll be many a widow in Vera Cruz tonight (you’d have thought 6 bases of pike and shot could beat two bases of cavalry, especially when some of our horse hit the flank, but no).

As night fell, we had overwhelmed the enemy mounted in the centre by weight of numbers (three BGs broken). The right had disappeared along with much of the centre (about 6 BGs). We shall fall back on Antigua Guatemala and let the climate and disease take down the enemy horses.

[rbodleyscott]

Very amusing.

We plan to see the Rocky Horror Show in Bristol in January.

It won't be the same after this report.